Meh, haven't updated in a while. Time to string up all the serious posts from the past year...

It's like a repeat of Freshman year

It’s funny though because I’m the one advising incoming freshmen, yet I can’t even follow my own advice. I keep telling them to be themselves because if you try to change yourself, you’re just going to end up hating yourself. Yet, you see me here, almost completely out of my comfort zone with all the OLs, and trying to change myself to fit the mold of everybody else. To try and get them to accept me.

I always feel like such an introvert compared to everyone else. I think growing up as an Asian American has influenced this idea for me that I should be quiet and I should be perfect in every way. I still have trouble admitting I’m wrong. I still have trouble being verbose. Yes, compared to other Asians I am very verbose. But compared to all the other Americans that have been raised as third generations and beyond, I’m not. I fear voicing my opinions. I fear being wrong. But most of all, I fear being judged.

We played Never Have I Ever (sober edition what what) last night, and I did the one fact that I’m somewhat proud of, somewhat ashamed of, but mostly use just to get everybody to put their finger down and that’s the fact that I’ve never made out with anybody EVER. Sometimes, I like to pretend I haven’t even kissed anybody just because I don’t consider the person I dated in eighth grade alive or existent in my life. I admitted this after saying “DONT JUDGE ME” and the only response I got was wow, mad respect. I felt more comfortable, more safe, less judged, and more accepted after that night. It wasn’t really significant, but I felt a difference with all the people in the room. At the same time, I’m pretty sure EVERYBODY is self-conscious about how people perceive them. It’s just a whole party of paranoid people all in a group trying to love one another because they themselves don’t want to be judged.

I think the one advice that I really need to keep reminding myself is to remain open minded. If I just think that everybody forgot to invite me to stuff because they don’t like me, I’m never going to trust anybody. I’m never going to realize the love and care they may actually show me. I keep assuming everybody thinks I’m different and hates me because I’m so negative and I keep complaining all the time. But after TWIGS tonight at church, I was able to put all my burdens and frustrations onto God and open my mind to everything. He is able to help me through all problems and everything will get better in time.

In reality, nobody hates me. Nobody thinks I’m completely different in a negative sense. Everybody is accepting. Everybody knows who I am and treats me like a family member. I just have to make the extra effort to be open minded and realize this.

The Greatest Feeling in the World

Being with friends without any worries.

On the last day of finals, my friends and I decided to celebrate by going to the Prudential Center and getting Pinkberry right before it closed. It was spontaneous, it was fun, it was the greatest night of my life. People who were with me that night may not have thought of it as any special. It was simply another night of hanging out. But I think the greatest part about that night was the fact that there were no burdens behind me. I had nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I no longer had to think, “Oh, I have this and this to do when I get back.” or “I still have to do this”. Everything was at peace and nothing was stressing me out.

When a friend of mine wanted to be “rebellious” and took one of the ads from the phone store stands, I didn’t even yell at him, or tell him to hurry up so that I could get back on campus and not get caught. Even if we did get caught, I would be okay with it because I’m not wasting any time. It was great not having to be the usual impatient New Yorker I am. It was a night that I could simply spread my arms open and literally run wild and free. The fresh air in my face and the happiness that was all around me that signified all the stress that has been accumulating the past 8 months of my life GONE. It was just a night that I didn’t have anything on my mind but freedom.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have a night like that ever again. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience something like that ever again. But I really wish I could. I really do.

“Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called “Landslide.” When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite”

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Goodbye Boston. See you in 2 weeks.

I don't know what it is about being in Boston, but it just gives me a whole different life. It's like a separate world from the life I have at home, but there is still some sort of way of combining the two. I have my own set of friends in Boston, my own set of rules, and my own family. Yet, as I step foot back into New York, everything feels so different. Everything is changing without me being there and I feel as if I'm an outsider. I don't know what group I belong in, I don't know who to hang out with, and I'm constantly reminded of my friends back in Boston.

Remember the first day of Freshman year back in September, when you would compare the new friends you made in college to your friends back at home? I feel like it's the complete opposite now. Everything my friends say or do, I'm reminded of memories of my new home in Boston. I can't even call New York my home anymore because it truly does not feel like it. I feel like I'm just living in a dream and I'll wake up soon, in two weeks.

I think the hardest part about being home is bringing the two worlds together. Yet, this has been my greatest accomplishment since I've been home. My home church is slowly falling apart, and the leaders don't know what to do to sustain the fellowship any longer. They have no fresh ideas and they have no way of growing people towards God. As soon as I got home, that was the first thing I addressed to my friends. I gave them the idea of small groups and how the small groups at my "home" church in Boston did things. I gave them the basic idea of how we go over the sermon and reinforce it so that it sticks. The best news I have received when I came back to Boston for the weekend was an email that told me that they were doing a discussion on last week's sermon. I hope to follow up on this idea and continue helping the fellowship.

There's definitely a reason why I'm here in Boston, and there are signs of me never returning back home for good. There will be people who hate me for it and there will be people who love me for it. I'm at a crossroad where I can continue to grow in God with a great support group and a great church, or I can continue growing my real home church in NY to be the support group and build a great church. I think I still need some time to think about it because I'm truly not sure what the future holds. We'll see where God brings me in 4 years and we'll see then.

On a happier note, I played for graduation yesterday (reason why I'm only in Boston for 4 days) and I've never been happier to be part of it. It reminded me of where I'll be in 4 years and how much knowledge (hopefully) I will gain from it, but only if this is the path that I'm supposed to be following, Lord willing.

I just spent the last 13 hours of my life studying organic chemistry NONSTOP

And you know what? I'm perfectly okay with it. I can live forever stressing myself over chemistry, and I wouldn't even care because it's something that I love and it ironically gives me some sort of THERAPY.

Last time I did something this crazy, I studied EQUILIBRIUM for AP chem for over 8 hours, nonstop with no television and only stopping to eat, just so I can fully understand it and get a good grade on the test. This time, I locked myself up in the basement with 10 other people studying organic chemistry nonstop with no facebook, no rest, and only stopping for coffee and food. It was continuous, time flew, and I'm perfectly okay. I feel some sort of accomplishment, and I really wanted to learn. It was like a natural drive for chemistry, which is exactly why I'm a chemistry major.

Every single time I go about a certain part of organic chemistry that I don't understand, I question my choice in majoring in chemistry at all. But it's times like these where I learn why I chose chemistry in the first place. And then I ask myself, "what else would you major in?" and I seriously could not tell you. I don't know what else I could be doing besides chemistry.

Why Education?

I've been asked that a lot ever since I officially declared that I would be pursuing an education minor. Sometimes, I say that it's because I can't see myself doing research for the rest of my life. Other times I ask myself the same exact question and don't know how to answer. But I think it's about time that I blogged about it so that I have something to look back on in case I ever do question my choice in my future career path.

I chose education because I love talking.
I'm a pretty extroverted person. There are times when I do need time to myself, but I can't be alone by myself for the rest of my life. I can't work in a lab and be antisocial and NOT talk to people. I need social interaction to live, to thrive, and to pursue. What better job to never stop talking than to be a teacher?
Through my social interaction, I want to be able to influence my students to do what they love. I know that some students will absolutely HATE chemistry while others may fall in love with it. But hopefully through all the struggles that we will go through to try and reach the endpoint, I'll be able to influence my students' future career plans and goals. I want to mentor students and get them to strive for higher goals and higher expectations. I want to see my students succeed right before my eyes and know that without our hard work, this would have never happened.

I chose education because I love teaching.
I live for that lightbulb moment. When a tutoree comes in not knowing or understanding anything, and suddenly comes to realization of how a certain formula or idea works... yeah. that. I want to make sure that every student understands what I teach and what indicates a definite success in teaching is when they begin to apply what they learn in the classroom outside of the classroom. When gas laws no longer pertain to just PV=nRT but also to soda bottles and balloons. When you begin to see the molecules that interact with one another in nature. When you begin to have a fuller understanding of the subject off the paper, and into real life, that's when you know you're successful.

but most of all, I chose education because I don't want to stop learning
Ironic, isn't it? As an educator, the students should always be first priority. If they don't understand something, you change yourself. You change your teaching style to match theirs, you look at their socioeconomic background and work around it, you lower your standards to meet them at a point and help lift them up from there, you go learn about their family and what can possibly affect their learning. It's not just about what happens in the classroom, nor is it always the students' fault for not understanding something, or even acting up. You change yourself so that the student learns at his/her full potential, and when the student learns, he/she learn how to better themselves and better their communities.

I want to close by inserting a quote from my EDU111 term paper, because I honestly couldn't have worded it any better.

Teaching had always been the last career choice on my list. I wanted go to medical school after I graduate and become a doctor. If that did not work out, I would do research in a lab and find some new drug that can cure some kind of disease. Finally if all of that fell through, I would teach high school chemistry and educate the minds of our future leaders. I chose to take education as an elective because I knew it would be somewhat practical in my future summer jobs as a tutor, and took the course thinking that I would learn how to teach young minds. However, throughout the course, I learned that there is so much more to teaching than just a simple outline or teaching plan. It was being sensitive to what these students’ lives are outside of the school. It’s funny though. I did mention that throughout my service learning, I constantly thought of what my teachers did wrong in terms of teaching, but I have never thought of how much I complained as a student saying, “they think we don’t have lives outside of this classroom”. Yet, I never took this idea into account on the opposite side as a teacher. Education in the Community revealed this idea to me. The course itself did not hold up to my expectations, because my expectations were completely incorrect and did not match up to what the course is truly about. The course is about integrating worldly views, cultural views, community views, family views, and students’ views into education and using these to become a successful teacher off of those ideas. It is about being a teacher, willing to be educated about the students so that we can better their experience and put them first. It is about learning creative ways to take what they are learning from textbooks and showing them what they can do to better the world and better their community. We, as teachers, need to put our best foot forward as educators so that we can motivate future minds that can hopefully change the world. I can now proudly say that teaching is the first and only career choice on my list now.

I'm handing in my official petition as an Education minor next week and I don't care what anybody says about my career choice. I don't care if I have the potential to be a doctor, or the potential to make hundreds of thousands of dollars as an annual salary. Because to me, teaching is not just a job. It is my passion, my mission, and my identity.

The Pursuit of Happiness: 15 Lessons to Keep in Mind

Just something I stumbled upon:

1. The only person that can ever truly make you happy is yourself. Stop depending on everyone else.

2. People lie, stuff happens. Don’t take it too personally.

3. Want people to think you’re amazing? Start believing you are, and then they will too.

4. Smiling is the ultimate anti-depressant. Smile and laugh out loud, it doesn’t look stupid, I promise.

5. The world is never just black and white, right or wrong, one way or another. Try and see things from as many points of view as possible.

6. "Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"
— Rainer Maria Rilke

7. Have empathy.

8. Gossip, problems of the past, events you cannot control, negative thoughts and negative people; time spent on these is time poorly wasted.

9. When you're jealous or find yourself filled with hate for someone/something, stop. The only person its hurting is you.

10. Although the newest, most expensive material things may make you feel as if you’re a better person, they won’t hold you at night or listen to you when you need it. Make sure your priorities make sense.

11. Step outside your comfort zone- it’s when you’ll really feel alive.

12. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, the people who really matter, don’t mind

13. Let your emotions out sometimes, humans have them for a reason.

14. Celebrate the things you have. Think only positively of the things you don’t (but would like to have) and they too will come.

15. Love unconditionally ♥.