It's like a repeat of Freshman year

It’s funny though because I’m the one advising incoming freshmen, yet I can’t even follow my own advice. I keep telling them to be themselves because if you try to change yourself, you’re just going to end up hating yourself. Yet, you see me here, almost completely out of my comfort zone with all the OLs, and trying to change myself to fit the mold of everybody else. To try and get them to accept me.

I always feel like such an introvert compared to everyone else. I think growing up as an Asian American has influenced this idea for me that I should be quiet and I should be perfect in every way. I still have trouble admitting I’m wrong. I still have trouble being verbose. Yes, compared to other Asians I am very verbose. But compared to all the other Americans that have been raised as third generations and beyond, I’m not. I fear voicing my opinions. I fear being wrong. But most of all, I fear being judged.

We played Never Have I Ever (sober edition what what) last night, and I did the one fact that I’m somewhat proud of, somewhat ashamed of, but mostly use just to get everybody to put their finger down and that’s the fact that I’ve never made out with anybody EVER. Sometimes, I like to pretend I haven’t even kissed anybody just because I don’t consider the person I dated in eighth grade alive or existent in my life. I admitted this after saying “DONT JUDGE ME” and the only response I got was wow, mad respect. I felt more comfortable, more safe, less judged, and more accepted after that night. It wasn’t really significant, but I felt a difference with all the people in the room. At the same time, I’m pretty sure EVERYBODY is self-conscious about how people perceive them. It’s just a whole party of paranoid people all in a group trying to love one another because they themselves don’t want to be judged.

I think the one advice that I really need to keep reminding myself is to remain open minded. If I just think that everybody forgot to invite me to stuff because they don’t like me, I’m never going to trust anybody. I’m never going to realize the love and care they may actually show me. I keep assuming everybody thinks I’m different and hates me because I’m so negative and I keep complaining all the time. But after TWIGS tonight at church, I was able to put all my burdens and frustrations onto God and open my mind to everything. He is able to help me through all problems and everything will get better in time.

In reality, nobody hates me. Nobody thinks I’m completely different in a negative sense. Everybody is accepting. Everybody knows who I am and treats me like a family member. I just have to make the extra effort to be open minded and realize this.