It’s funny though because I’m the one advising incoming freshmen, yet I can’t even follow my own advice. I keep telling them to be themselves because if you try to change yourself, you’re just going to end up hating yourself. Yet, you see me here, almost completely out of my comfort zone with all the OLs, and trying to change myself to fit the mold of everybody else. To try and get them to accept me.
I always feel like such an introvert compared to everyone else. I think growing up as an Asian American has influenced this idea for me that I should be quiet and I should be perfect in every way. I still have trouble admitting I’m wrong. I still have trouble being verbose. Yes, compared to other Asians I am very verbose. But compared to all the other Americans that have been raised as third generations and beyond, I’m not. I fear voicing my opinions. I fear being wrong. But most of all, I fear being judged.
We played Never Have I Ever (sober edition what what) last night, and I did the one fact that I’m somewhat proud of, somewhat ashamed of, but mostly use just to get everybody to put their finger down and that’s the fact that I’ve never made out with anybody EVER. Sometimes, I like to pretend I haven’t even kissed anybody just because I don’t consider the person I dated in eighth grade alive or existent in my life. I admitted this after saying “DONT JUDGE ME” and the only response I got was wow, mad respect. I felt more comfortable, more safe, less judged, and more accepted after that night. It wasn’t really significant, but I felt a difference with all the people in the room. At the same time, I’m pretty sure EVERYBODY is self-conscious about how people perceive them. It’s just a whole party of paranoid people all in a group trying to love one another because they themselves don’t want to be judged.
I think the one advice that I really need to keep reminding myself is to remain open minded. If I just think that everybody forgot to invite me to stuff because they don’t like me, I’m never going to trust anybody. I’m never going to realize the love and care they may actually show me. I keep assuming everybody thinks I’m different and hates me because I’m so negative and I keep complaining all the time. But after TWIGS tonight at church, I was able to put all my burdens and frustrations onto God and open my mind to everything. He is able to help me through all problems and everything will get better in time.
In reality, nobody hates me. Nobody thinks I’m completely different in a negative sense. Everybody is accepting. Everybody knows who I am and treats me like a family member. I just have to make the extra effort to be open minded and realize this.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The Greatest Feeling in the World
Being with friends without any worries.
On the last day of finals, my friends and I decided to celebrate by going to the Prudential Center and getting Pinkberry right before it closed. It was spontaneous, it was fun, it was the greatest night of my life. People who were with me that night may not have thought of it as any special. It was simply another night of hanging out. But I think the greatest part about that night was the fact that there were no burdens behind me. I had nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I no longer had to think, “Oh, I have this and this to do when I get back.” or “I still have to do this”. Everything was at peace and nothing was stressing me out.
When a friend of mine wanted to be “rebellious” and took one of the ads from the phone store stands, I didn’t even yell at him, or tell him to hurry up so that I could get back on campus and not get caught. Even if we did get caught, I would be okay with it because I’m not wasting any time. It was great not having to be the usual impatient New Yorker I am. It was a night that I could simply spread my arms open and literally run wild and free. The fresh air in my face and the happiness that was all around me that signified all the stress that has been accumulating the past 8 months of my life GONE. It was just a night that I didn’t have anything on my mind but freedom.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a night like that ever again. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience something like that ever again. But I really wish I could. I really do.
“Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called “Landslide.” When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite”
On the last day of finals, my friends and I decided to celebrate by going to the Prudential Center and getting Pinkberry right before it closed. It was spontaneous, it was fun, it was the greatest night of my life. People who were with me that night may not have thought of it as any special. It was simply another night of hanging out. But I think the greatest part about that night was the fact that there were no burdens behind me. I had nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I no longer had to think, “Oh, I have this and this to do when I get back.” or “I still have to do this”. Everything was at peace and nothing was stressing me out.
When a friend of mine wanted to be “rebellious” and took one of the ads from the phone store stands, I didn’t even yell at him, or tell him to hurry up so that I could get back on campus and not get caught. Even if we did get caught, I would be okay with it because I’m not wasting any time. It was great not having to be the usual impatient New Yorker I am. It was a night that I could simply spread my arms open and literally run wild and free. The fresh air in my face and the happiness that was all around me that signified all the stress that has been accumulating the past 8 months of my life GONE. It was just a night that I didn’t have anything on my mind but freedom.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a night like that ever again. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience something like that ever again. But I really wish I could. I really do.
“Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called “Landslide.” When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite”
-Perks of Being a Wallflower
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Goodbye Boston. See you in 2 weeks.
I don't know what it is about being in Boston, but it just gives me a whole different life. It's like a separate world from the life I have at home, but there is still some sort of way of combining the two. I have my own set of friends in Boston, my own set of rules, and my own family. Yet, as I step foot back into New York, everything feels so different. Everything is changing without me being there and I feel as if I'm an outsider. I don't know what group I belong in, I don't know who to hang out with, and I'm constantly reminded of my friends back in Boston.
Remember the first day of Freshman year back in September, when you would compare the new friends you made in college to your friends back at home? I feel like it's the complete opposite now. Everything my friends say or do, I'm reminded of memories of my new home in Boston. I can't even call New York my home anymore because it truly does not feel like it. I feel like I'm just living in a dream and I'll wake up soon, in two weeks.
I think the hardest part about being home is bringing the two worlds together. Yet, this has been my greatest accomplishment since I've been home. My home church is slowly falling apart, and the leaders don't know what to do to sustain the fellowship any longer. They have no fresh ideas and they have no way of growing people towards God. As soon as I got home, that was the first thing I addressed to my friends. I gave them the idea of small groups and how the small groups at my "home" church in Boston did things. I gave them the basic idea of how we go over the sermon and reinforce it so that it sticks. The best news I have received when I came back to Boston for the weekend was an email that told me that they were doing a discussion on last week's sermon. I hope to follow up on this idea and continue helping the fellowship.
There's definitely a reason why I'm here in Boston, and there are signs of me never returning back home for good. There will be people who hate me for it and there will be people who love me for it. I'm at a crossroad where I can continue to grow in God with a great support group and a great church, or I can continue growing my real home church in NY to be the support group and build a great church. I think I still need some time to think about it because I'm truly not sure what the future holds. We'll see where God brings me in 4 years and we'll see then.
On a happier note, I played for graduation yesterday (reason why I'm only in Boston for 4 days) and I've never been happier to be part of it. It reminded me of where I'll be in 4 years and how much knowledge (hopefully) I will gain from it, but only if this is the path that I'm supposed to be following, Lord willing.
Remember the first day of Freshman year back in September, when you would compare the new friends you made in college to your friends back at home? I feel like it's the complete opposite now. Everything my friends say or do, I'm reminded of memories of my new home in Boston. I can't even call New York my home anymore because it truly does not feel like it. I feel like I'm just living in a dream and I'll wake up soon, in two weeks.
I think the hardest part about being home is bringing the two worlds together. Yet, this has been my greatest accomplishment since I've been home. My home church is slowly falling apart, and the leaders don't know what to do to sustain the fellowship any longer. They have no fresh ideas and they have no way of growing people towards God. As soon as I got home, that was the first thing I addressed to my friends. I gave them the idea of small groups and how the small groups at my "home" church in Boston did things. I gave them the basic idea of how we go over the sermon and reinforce it so that it sticks. The best news I have received when I came back to Boston for the weekend was an email that told me that they were doing a discussion on last week's sermon. I hope to follow up on this idea and continue helping the fellowship.
There's definitely a reason why I'm here in Boston, and there are signs of me never returning back home for good. There will be people who hate me for it and there will be people who love me for it. I'm at a crossroad where I can continue to grow in God with a great support group and a great church, or I can continue growing my real home church in NY to be the support group and build a great church. I think I still need some time to think about it because I'm truly not sure what the future holds. We'll see where God brings me in 4 years and we'll see then.
On a happier note, I played for graduation yesterday (reason why I'm only in Boston for 4 days) and I've never been happier to be part of it. It reminded me of where I'll be in 4 years and how much knowledge (hopefully) I will gain from it, but only if this is the path that I'm supposed to be following, Lord willing.
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