Holiday Hatred

I’m so jealous of the families that are able to hug and kiss each other like nothing is wrong. I’m so jealous that they all WANT to be home with their families and spend time with each other because they genuinely love each other. I’m so jealous of the families that can spend vacations with each other and legitimately have fun. I can feel the love coming out of these Facebook pictures where they all love each other and celebrate holidays like none other.

Since my parents don’t know how to celebrate the holidays, I feel like none of these breaks I come home to are worth it. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow for Christmas. We don’t even have a damn tree up, and I don’t think my parents have bought any gifts. None of us bought anything for each other. The only person who got anything for anyone was me giving my sister earrings because I felt bad that she constantly gives me things and I never get her anything. Because she’s literally the only person in my family I can tolerate and love. My god, tears are streaming down my face.

I hate being in this family so god damn much. We’re so messed up and I hate it back at home. I hate that we can never express anything to each other but pure hatred and the lack of tolerance for each other. I want to be that typical family who can love each other during the holidays and wear uncomfortably ugly sweaters with each other. Just ONCE I want a nice family picture with a Christmas tree and gifts underneath. And the gifts given not because we’re expected to, but because we want to.

Sometimes, I really just want to run away and stay with my godfamily for a while. They legitimately love each other and they always spend the holidays with each other. They have this family bond that you can see from the outside at every angle. You can tell they do everything together and love each other unconditionally. They all know each others birthdays and celebrate it with one another. My god damn mother didn’t even remember when my birthday was until my godmother brought it up. Shows how messed up my family is.

I hate it here. I hate my family. I hate being home. I just want to go back to Northeastern. THAT’S where my REAL family is. That’s where everybody I love is. That’s where I plan on being for the next four and a half years, and maybe even longer because that’s how much I hate being back home. If everybody were back on campus right now, I would go back in a heartbeat.