Everyone's Maturing

As I look at all my middle school friends' pictures, I see clearly exactly how they grew physically. It was kind of surprising and a wake up call: WE'RE SENIORS. It's been about five years since middle school ended and everyone looks so much more different. I looked at an old friend's picture and he seriously looked like what a senior would look like if a little kid were to see it: older and muscular. As I saw other people mature, I still did not see the change in me. I flipped through older photos of me and I definitely changed a lot in terms of hair. LOL. I'm a bit obsessed with my teeth and hair. I'm not crazy. I swear. I'm so glad I permed my hair. I look so much nicer :)

okay aside from that, I really didnt see anything else change; until I flipped to my xanga. I do this quite periodically just to see how far I've come and I definitely did mature emotionally. I cursed quite a lot back in the day, and here I am, judging freshmen in high school who curse like crazy. Way to be hypocritical Tracy. I used to be OBSESSED with guys and would make these emo comments in the beginning of my blogs. Honestly, I don't even remember what they were supposed to mean because I don't remember which guy I crushed on back then.

Damn, I was stupid back then.

I also noticed how unhappy I looked in a LOT of pictures. I definitely wasn't as happy as I am nowadays in pictures. I don't know why. It makes me kind of upset that I didn't enjoy life back then as much as I do now. Is it because I finally found my groupie in school? Could a group of friends that I can associate so well with that I could literally spend every hour of every day with them (IF ONLY I LIVED IN MANHATTAN) be the key to happiness? I don't know. Maybe it's the sense of belonging that I strive for. I love being accepted for who I am and what I do.

Barnard PCP

My pre-college program ends next week and i'm actually really psyched. It hasn't hit me that all the friends I've made will be on the other side of the country yet. But it's not going to be that bad because I didn't become like BFFs with anybody. I'm not going to cry on the last day because I'm going to be working at VBS, and I can finally be able to have fun and smile again. I feel like at Barnard, I'm always angry, I'm always pissed, I always hate people for their flaws. I constantly look at people's flaws and it's so bad. I never see the good in them. Maybe I should start. :\

college, college, and MORE COLLEGE

So i'm at Barnard Pre-College Program right now, enjoying my sweet time living in the city for a month. The first week has been okay. It's been pretty hard trying to adjust to new people and be open minded to new adventures and opportunities. I met a lot of people, from New Jersey, Massachussets, Connecticut, CALIFORNIA, etc etc etc. some nice, some mean, some annoying, some boring. It's a whole range of people out there. I've been so secluded in LaGuardia with my little group of (half) Asian friends that I forgot all about the other people around me. I hated PCP (i'm abbreaviating because i'm not typing pre-college every single time) for the first couple of days because I wasn't in my comfort zone and people were not sociable enough to approach me at all. There would be silences in the elevators because nobody wanted to get to know each other. Needless to say, I've found a small group of friends. There's Roger, a sophomore from San Diego and Alison, also a sophomore from San Diego. They're both best friends that came to PCP together and I'm really happy that I found them. We hang out often and they're both pretty studious so we study together a lot. There's also Caitlin, who sometimes hangs out with us. I forget where she's from, but she's really fun to talk to.

Why did I go to Pre-College?
I originally went to Pre-College for only one reason: I wanted to go to Barnard; and that was my focus. It never really occured to me that it's Pre-COLLEGE. There's a LOT of work! It's not all fun and games. I actually have a 3 page paper due on social ecology for pediatric psych due this friday and a 6 page paper on international crises due next thursday. It's pretty intense, and the classes are hard. I Just really hope I could get my self esteem up and start participating more in class. I haven't raised my hand a lot during class and it might affect negatively on my conduct :(. On top of that, they have these evaluation papers at the end of the summer that they write for each of us, and I'm scared that when I apply to Barnard, they'll read that. So if I do REALLY well in a certain class, hopefully it will be a positive thing for my acceptance

COLLEGE APPLICATIONS!!!
I've started on common app already (I know I'm a freak) and I've started my USC application. The essays are mad intense and I'm really not looking foward to the essay concept. I also need to start thinking of who to ask for teacher recs (I know, super late). I think i'm going to get my math teacher and my Japanese teacher. I wasn't too great in Japanese but I was a good student with terrible test taking skills. Maybe she'll write something good (HOPEFULLY) T_T.

well I have class in half an hour and I really cannot fall asleep in class anymore. It's so bad because the classes are small (18 people) and the teacher can see me falling asleep and I feel bad because she's such a great teacher. UGH. D:

I really want to be at VBS right now. Tell me how the kids are!!

I wish

There were more guys at my school

As many of you may (or may not) know, I go to an arts school which is compiled of a 75% female population. the other 25% of guys are all either gay, taken, or ugly. Now you're probably thinking, "well 25% is still pretty high". Really now? Then how come in almost every one of my classes, there are only 2 guys for every 30 or so girls? Its not a 1:3 ratio. Its a 1:15 ratio. With that being said, being in a female dominated school can have its pros and cons. Pros:
- focus more on school work than on guys
- more people to relate to you
Cons:
- no boys to date in high school
- no variety in terms of thought

It kind of frustrates me how I haven't had a real hardcore crush on a guy for the past 3 years in HS. And now, I don't even know how to talk to a normal male teenager. I used to be so good at chasing guys and getting their attention, but now, I don't even know how to. I just sit on the side and wait. Wait for what? I don't even know. And the problem is, everytime you do happen to have a crush on a guy at lag, there's always another girl that likes him as well, adding on to the competition.

This was such a girly post. I'm sorry.

i should totally blog a lot more

When xanga used to be cool, I used to write about my day. every single day. even if it was a routine day in which I did pretty much what i do everyday. But nowadays, I just don't have the time or patience to do so. I wish I had so much more time. I could do so much more... or so much less due to procrastination :p
I'll probably write more in the summer when I have much more time. In the meantime, I need to find a good headshot to put on my Barnard ID card for this summer. YAY.

Mothers

I was actually gonna submit this into the boon Blog but I felt that it wasn't "christian" enough because it's not really based on a bible verse or anything that struck me.



We normally don't realize how much we take our mothers for granted until
A) they leave this world, or
B) we become parents ourselves

It never regularly occurs to us how much they sacrificed for us. Those tormented 9 months she had to endure while God knit us in her womb, the terrible pain she felt as she brought you into this world, the dreadful hours she spent trying to assuage your every need for the first 2 years of your life, and the time she could have spent hanging out with friends but instead spent her time home catering to your every need simply because she loves you that much. Thank God for giving you such a wonderful mom, even though she may always be on your tail bothering you about SATs; even though she may have yelled at you because of your grades; even though she may have told you you were going to be a failure in life; even though she may have embarrassed you last time you went shopping with her. She did all those things because that's just what Asian mothers do. They nip at everything you do because they love you and they want the best for you. So maybe this coming week, do whatever she asks you to do; don't rebel because that will only cause you trouble. If she doesn't acknowledge you for your efforts, don't get upset. She still appreciates it even if it may not seem that way. Pray with or for her, and spend some quality one-on-one time with her. Maybe you could go shopping with her, or maybe you could take her out to dinner. Whatever your choice, be the one who caters her to her every need/want. Do something in return to appreciate all she has done for you.

I suck

at writing blogs.
really. I do.

on a happier note, I just passed my permit test!
and I got into Barnard Pre-College program! SCORE! (i'll post up the essay that I sent in later on)
now if only I can pass the Asian standards of the SATs...

btw, I'm looking into buying a DSLR; although I highly doubt it would be of any use. I barely bring my point-and-shoot out. Why would I lug around a huge camera? Idk, I play around my friends' DSLRs and... I mean, you can't really do much with it. Sure the quality's great. Sure you can capture great nature photos. But really, is it necessary to cash out 500 bucks for a camera? I barely upload nature photos from my point-and-shoot. I barely take portraits of friends. Why now? I have no idea.

camera or laptop... camera or laptop... :(

Dear friend,

Thanks for completely changing your image just to get closer to a guy.
Thanks for ditching me everyday because you'd much rather spend time with the people that are close to him.
Thanks for changing your interests completely just to match his.
Thanks for not being a friend anymore.
I hope you realize that when you're heart broken, i'll lie that I care for you when I'm actually jumping for joy
that you no longer will be chasing after him.
I hope you realize that you guys will never work out.
Stop trying because it's pretty obvious that you're trying too hard. Everyone has noticed. Learn to be yourself. Maybe then, you'll get your real friends back and you won't be living a lie anymore. Maybe he might actually like you for who you are because I did before you completely changed every aspect of your life for him.

Love always,
Tracy

I Feel Terrible

I'm skipping church this friday for a mandatory concert that I have to go to for Music History as well as concert reports, and then I'm skipping church on Sunday to bring my sister back to Boston, and I have a meeting that day. That's already 2 meetings in a row I'm missing, and I didn't go to church 2 weeks ago due to massive amounts of concerts and useless partying (not in a bad sense. I promise).

SORRY! D:

I really should be doing my homework
but whatever.
I could be doing extra credit but it's just way too much unnecessary work.
I'll probably end up doing it anyway :p